I Drove a Manual BMW X3 and it was the Worst Car Ever

"Swayze Train GTi" (swayzetrain)
09/25/2015 at 00:17 • Filed to: BMW X3, bmw, x3, review, manual, worst car ever

The X3s interior, deceptively good looking, from a distance.

Working for a small volume detailing company puts a lot of average steering wheels through my hands. Most of them are relatively new regular sedans being prepared for dealer lot runway, tarted up to strut their stuff until a new owner buys them and immediately disregards all car care forever. Nonetheless, I take an interest in each and every one as I drive them 30 minutes or more between jobs. And as I awoke on a beautiful Thursday morning, an upper middle class cruiser invaded my inventory. A BMW X3 belonging to the wife of a used car lot manager. Essentially, a jacked up 3-series built to support the M-Division by emptying the pockets of wealthy men apologizing for trists with their secretaries through the finely crafted roundel affixed to a high horse of Bavarian steel.

Despite my hatred of the X3 rivaling my hatred of the overweight self righteous former prom queens who drive them, I was actually quite excited for the experience. It’s been a long time since I’ve driven a BMW, and I knew it wouldn’t be an M5, but they’ve sold a ton of them, something must be right. After all, I drive a ‘98 Aurora when I’m feeling relaxed, and it keeps me that way. BMW must have done better with 6 years and a reputation to uphold.

I parked at the used car lot to pick up the BMW. After waiting a polite amount of time for the man behind the office counter to finish his studied inspection of an ancient looking flyswatter, I decided to interrupt. As I prepared to clear my throat, the man smacked the murderous tool with finality upon a stool devoid of flies, and turned to me.

“Luxe Auto Detailing, I’m here to pick up the X3” I said with just the right amount of interest, projecting authority beyond my beardless, youthful faces natural ability. Keys were handed over, and I found the car. Upon opening the door (the handle pulls up, weird), my elation reached new heights. In front of me was a big leather gater… 3 pedals… and a handbrake!? COULD IT BE?! A MANUAL!?

It was! Waiting for my short driving pleasure was the exceedingly rare pleasure of driving a manual BMW in America! However, I didn’t even make it out of the parking lot before I was completely and utterly disappointed about almost everything in this car. The clutch felt like an on/off switch. You could feel the grab, sure, but the pedal was so light it was impossible to modulate, and I’m not just being obtuse because my cars clutch is approximately 200 lbs. This wouldn’t have been so bad if the revs didn’t drop so quickly on upshifts. Driving around the city, you’re forced to jam at your gearstick and kick the clutch pedal like a stepchild to accomplish smooth transitions. Downshifts aren’t much better. Here the reponsiveness of the engine is great! Or, rather, it would be, if the throttle pedal made any sense. In most cars, rev matching is a matter of how much toe you give the throttle, how far you press the pedal. In the X3 manual, every blip is all the way to the floor, it’s just a matter of how long you hold it there. It’s bloody harebrained. All of this is further exascerbated by the fact that, after 140k miles, the shifter linkage had really given up the ghost. I managed to not miss a gear, but I might as well have given how smoothly I was able to shift due to all the incomprehensible control response.

Next, the engine. It’s a 2.5L straight six, and I don’t give a fuck how much power it makes. It’s absolutely useless in a vehicle that size. Even the manual couldn’t make the power mean anything. The engine is so anemic I honestly thought it was a four cylinder until I opened the hood and saw 6 intake runners. After this horrifying site my stomach turned and I threw up, apalled that somewhere, people in the world were driving around an X3 with even less power than the literally shiftless bastard I was seated in. Just as I thought I was recovering, one more retch was brought to my mouth as I realized some of those four-bangers are automatics. As soon as I was able, I donated $100 to the “No four cylinder without a turbo” charity.

At this point you’re probably saying “well at least it rides well! Right?” Wrong! The X3 rides okay. Just okay. My Olds with new struts will put it to shame. You wouldn’t blame them if they’d given the X3 a modicum of off road ability, but it’s got less than a Parkinson’s sufferer in greased heels on the face of an iced mountain. All that jacked up suspension is doing nothing other than reassuring the ignorant purchaser inside that the other person is more likely to die than them when they smash into another while texting Trudy about the catering for the country club’s annual membership soiree.

I actually really liked the steering wheel and the gauge cluster. The cluster isn’t 2 dimensional, it has depth to it around the edges, the needles are crisp, and the movement is smooth yet sharp.

“But at least it’s got a good interior right?”

Wrong again! By far and away the most infuriating aspect of this car was the interior quality. After hearing automotive journalists espouse the virtues of German car interiors while ripping on our domestic efforts for decades, I discover the great lie. The seats are half vinyl, as are the door panels (they might be all vinyl, I’m giving what looks like leather the benefit of the doubt). The incredibly basic stereo says “Business CD” on it because everyone knows businesses are renowned for their sound quality. HVAC controls rank .0001 percentage points above those of a 1st generation Ford Escape. Every single plastic bit on the car is scratched AND flaking, revealing different colored plastic underneath, or just the same color. What’s more, it didn’t look good in the first place anyways. When I couldn’t find the fuel door release (not realizing it was just to push the door itself), I pulled the emergency fuel door release tab, only to have the grip pull off in my hand, cable unmoved. On a final note, the passenger cupholder is the same sort of flimsy POS arrangement those arrogant Deustchbags have been lip servicing us with since the mid 90s.

The bottom line is I fucking hated this car. The only thing it did right was steer, the feeling was actually deserving of a BMW. Other than that, I can’t believe this was one of the first vehicles in a segment now dominating the market.

DISCUSSION (19)

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Swayze Train GTi
09/25/2015 at 00:39

Plus the handbrake boot looks like a scrotum.

SlickMcRick > Swayze Train GTi
09/25/2015 at 00:40

Just goes to show that manual transmissions don’t fit every car. Only way I’d even consider an X3 of that vintage is if it has the 3.0 and an auto. I’ve read a few reviews on the lack of clutch feel on those and the X5s even when new.

DrScientist > Swayze Train GTi
09/25/2015 at 00:57

your story is wrong.

there are no more secretaries. we have trysts with assistants now.

also, you spelled trysts wrong.

also, also, isnt that the same steering wheel from the e38 7 series... literally 20 years ago?

also, also, also, the base model bmw interiors (especially 3 series) have been lacking since the mid 90s

post alsos, i hate the x3 too

post post alsos, apologies for sounding like a jerk, rye

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > SlickMcRick
09/25/2015 at 00:59

And that not every manual trans is good. Not all clutchs, and shifters are created equal. Try driving a Dodge Dart with a 6MT. trust me you won’t be that happy you aren’t in automatic one.

Swayze Train GTi > SlickMcRick
09/25/2015 at 01:01

I think the manual in this car would have been fine if they had just made it usable. The thing is honestly ridiculous, 5th and 6th gear are pretty much the same damn thing. And I don’t think the 3.0 would solve the problem. It’s only 30 more hp and 40 torques, that would simply bring it up to a usable level. Then again, I grew up driving GMT based SUVs with big V8s, they didn’t put up big numbers but they were certainly enough.

Swayze Train GTi > DrScientist
09/25/2015 at 01:05

My terminology may be out of the times, but so are the buyers of the X3.

I blame spellcheck

My first BMW was my dad’s E38 740iL and it was fucking amazing, and i love that steering wheel

I haven’t driven many mid 90’s BMWs

I hate the X3
It’s okay I’m a jerk too.

911e46z06 > Swayze Train GTi
09/25/2015 at 01:16

BMW is farting out a whole bunch of hot garbage right now.

DrScientist > Swayze Train GTi
09/25/2015 at 01:24

ok... so to rescue some meaningful conversation here:

yeah, what in the hell is bmw doing making these kinds of cars? suv/crossovers i mean. i suppose, as you mention to give guilty mid-level managers an appropriate gift.

oh, and... e38 interior. come on bmw!

Kinja'd!!!

my mom had an e30, and then e36. and even in my little jr high brain, i could tell the e36 just seemed a bit more plasticky. that was the beginning of the end.

Dunnik > Swayze Train GTi
09/25/2015 at 02:07

It’s a hateful POS.

Was stopped at a light in a rental Town&Country in the left lane, at the head of a line of cars. Into the right, turning lane approaches an X3. The right lane ends just past the intersection.

I turned the AC off and switch to tiptronic. First gear we’re equal. Second gets me ahead, third shuts the door (the Pentastar is a great six). The X3 merges behind me.

I hope he was ashamed that his Ultimate Driving Machine was rubbed out by.... a minivan . Pro tip: if you’re going to try to play to type and cut people off in a BMW, don’t buy an X3 .

I lol’d at this, well put:

All that jacked up suspension is doing nothing other than reassuring the ignorant purchaser inside that the other person is more likely to die than them when they smash into another while texting Trudy about the catering for the country club’s annual membership soiree.

DoYouEvenShift > Swayze Train GTi
09/25/2015 at 08:02

Im no interior Nazi by any means. But I always come out dissappointed after sitting in 90% of BMWs. The way some people talk about them on here I expect some first class Learjet type stuff. But honestly, its no better than most average 30k sedans.

Swayze Train GTi > DrScientist
09/25/2015 at 08:05

I wish the interior was as good as an e38. It’s not even close

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > DrScientist
09/25/2015 at 09:16

oh, and... e38 interior. come on bmw!

what do you want a metal dash instead or a tacky w140 interior?

Nisman > Swayze Train GTi
09/25/2015 at 09:54

It sounds like the car’s age is probably what came into play most here. I’m sure that new it was a much nicer vehicle. BMWs typically do not age well in my experience (very little but enough.)

DrScientist > Swayze Train GTi
09/25/2015 at 10:09

i was actually just pointing out the steering wheels. that e38 i think debuted in 1995 (maybe 96?) and theyre still using it!

DrScientist > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins)
09/25/2015 at 10:13

no, no... sorry for not being more clear.

i was just pointing out that the X3, which is presumably 3-5 years old, has the same steering wheel as the e38 from 20 years ago.

better line would have been...

“oh, and here’s the e38 interior, with that same steering wheel! come on bmw!”

i suppose in support of my argument that bmw is kind of phoning it in with regard to its lower end models.

finn's arm > DrScientist
09/25/2015 at 10:34

I have that steering wheel in my E39. Which is 15 years old. Sheesh.

The quality of seats/leather in the new ones are garbage. Equivalently packaged to my own, I would expect an F10’s leather to be comparable and not to feel like thin plastic.

Swayze Train GTi > Nisman
09/25/2015 at 20:08

It could be, but I don’t think so. On a few things, sure. The gear linkage for example. But other than minor things like that, I really doubt it. It felt screwed together tight, the ride didn’t make me think it had worn bushings or anything else in need of replacement. It simply wasn’t that good. I’ve read a few reviews written on the X3’s release and they seem to agree with me.

Swayze Train GTi > DrScientist
09/25/2015 at 20:12

My dad had an E38 from 95, probably was the first year. Honestly I really like that steering wheel. It did age well, and wasn’t at all a gripe of mine during the driving. It had all the modern controls you would expect, it’s properly sized, and it feels good in your hands. If it ain’t broke...

But seriously if we’re talking interiors can we talk about the radio? Sorry, I mean the BUSINESS CD unit?. BMW actually took a step backwards in that department during these years.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > Swayze Train GTi
10/04/2015 at 13:15

Maybe the N52 3.0si with 80 hp extra would be fun, but I just don’t know that there’s all that much redeeming about the X3 in general.